Dating With Herpes: How To Tell A New Partner You Have Herpes

Disclosing your herpes status to a new partner: A guide on when, how, and prevention tips for spreading herpes.

Dating can be difficult, but for individuals living with herpes, it presents additional challenges. These may include the stress and anxiety of disclosing one’s herpes status to a potential partner, coping with the social stigma associated with the condition, and managing the fear of rejection or transmission risks.

It's therefore understandable to be apprehensive about “having the talk” and disclosing your herpes status to a new partner. The fear of rejection can make it a delicate topic to address, leaving many unsure of the appropriate timing to bring it up in the early stages of a relationship.

Putting Herpes Into Context

It is important to remember that you are not alone and that herpes, one of the world's most common sexually transmitted infections (STI), can affect anyone. Globally around two-thirds of the adult population has HSV-1 and 13% have HSV-2. Despite its prevalence, there is a significant unjustified stigma surrounding herpes. However, having herpes does not make you unclean or unhealthy. It’s just a shame that there is a large gap between what we know of herpes, a very common infection, and society's stigma on the virus.

What Is Herpes?

Herpes is the name given to two viruses caused by the herpes simplex virus (HSV). There are two types of herpes simplex virus: HSV-1 and HSV-2.

HSV-1 is typically responsible for oral herpes, which results in cold sores around the mouth and face. On the other hand, HSV-2 is primarily responsible for genital herpes, which causes sores and blisters in the genital area.

It is important to note that both types of herpes can infect either area of the body. For example, HSV-1 can cause genital herpes, and HSV-2 can cause oral cold sores.

Recurrent Herpes, Manage Your Outbreaks

Herpes once caught, is a viral infection that stays in the body for life. While some individuals may not experience symptoms, many people will go on to experience recurrent outbreaks later in life. The rate of recurrence varies greatly among individuals and can be influenced by various factors.

Research has shown that the type of virus (HSV-1 vs HSV-2) and the location of the infection (oral vs genital) can greatly affect the frequency of recurrent outbreaks. For example, individuals infected with HSV-1 in the genital area are less likely to experience recurrent outbreaks than those infected with HSV-2 in the same area.Conversely, individuals infected with HSV-2 in the oral area are less likely to have recurrences than those infected with HSV-1 in the oral area.

There are also quite a few other factors that can affect recurrence rates but fortunately, many of these are within our control, and getting on top of these will help in living a normal and fulfilling sexual relationship.

One: Maintain a healthy lifestyle

Maintaining a healthy lifestyle by eating a healthy diet, getting enough sleep, and regularly exercising can help boost your immune system and reduce the outbreak frequency.

Two: Suppressive therapy

Suppressive therapy, such as taking daily or intermittent antiviral medication like Aciclovir is highly effective at reducing the severity and frequency of outbreaks. A clinical trial demonstrated that daily long-term suppressive medication increased the median between first recurrent outbreaks from 28 days to 250 days, indicating a significant reduction in recurrence rates.

Three: Recognise your triggers

Learning to identify your outbreak triggers can help you manage your herpes. You won’t be surprised to learn that studies have shown that stress can reactivate the herpes virus, creating a cycle of stress, outbreak, and further stress. Breaking this cycle by managing stress through techniques like meditation, yoga, or exercise can help you live a fulfilling life with herpes.

Should You Tell a New Partner You Have Herpes?

While disclosure may be a personal choice, it’s important to remember that the herpes simplex virus (HSV) is highly contagious and can be spread through kissing or sex, even when there are no symptoms present. Even if you have been living with herpes for a while and are familiar with the signs of an outbreak, it’s important to consider the potential risks to a new partner and whether the current and potential future of the relationship warrants the need for disclosure. If sexual contact is not planned, the risk of spreading the virus is very low.

Why you should disclose that you have herpes

Even though herpes is essentially just a skin condition and the stigma is often outweighs the actual symptoms, it’s important that you inform your new partner of your herpes status so that they can make their own informed decision. Herpes is a manageable condition and disclosing your herpes status to a new partner allows you to better the risk and have fulfilling relationships.

Disclosing your herpes status does not have to be dramatic. Contrary to what much of the media would have you believe, having herpes is not a significant issue and people’s perception of it can be influenced by the manner and langued used when disclosing.

Being honest and upfront with your partner about your herpes status can foster trust and strengthen your relationship. By disclosing your status, you can better manage the risk of transmission. Having a partner that knows about your herpes status makes it easier to openly take suppressive therapy or make decisions about using condoms or abstaining from sex during an outbreak or suspicion of the onset of an outbreak.

By being open and honest about your herpes status, you demonstrate courage and integrity, which is likely to be respected by your partner. This can also serve as an opportunity to strengthen the level of trust and understanding in your relationship.

Finally disclosing may prove a good opportunity to suggest that your partner gets tested for the virus. There’s a good chance that they may be HSV-positive too without having known.

When Should You Disclose Your HSV Status?

Opinions vary on the appropriate timing for disclosing herpes status. It also depends on the nature of the relationship. In dating, disclosing too early might scare someone who hasn’t had the chance to get to know you. Leave it too long you may feel that you have strung someone along with a big secret. On balance leaving it for a while is probably never a bad approach, but it’s important to disclose before things get hot and intimate. For hookup situations, you might want to disclose before meeting. You want to leave the other person enough time to process the information in a clear-headed way.

How to tell a new partner that you have herpes

1. Choose the right place, preferably somewhere quiet so you can speak without interruption.


2. Don’t overthink it.Remember that herpes is a very common infection with minor symptoms and no serious health which at its best is an annoyance and at its worst a frustration. Many of the people you know around you probably have the virus too. You are not the only one.


3. How you say it is just as important as what you say. Bring it up in natural conversation, such as talking about skin conditions that flare up from time to time, before going on to mention that you have a form of cold sore but that it manifests in the form of genital herpes and that is very manageable with suppressive therapy. Ask if they’ve ever dated anyone else with oral or genital herpes to highlight its commonality. Try and avoid sounding like it's a big thing to you. If you sound like it's something that does not bother you then they are much more likely to accept that is no big thing.


4. Put Herpes into context by pointing out how 1 in 10 people you have met that day share the same secret.


5. Know the facts above herpes and offer to provide more information should they need it. As oral herpes is quite common, there is a good chance that your new partner already knows quite a bit about herpes and practices that reduce transmission risks.

After the disclosure

You’ve had the conversation, the chances are high that your partner has reacted positively to your honesty which shows just how much you value and prioritize their well-being going forward in the relationship. Opening up about your status allows you to openly take the step to help prevent passing on the virus. However for some, even though the conversation may have been a calm, confident conversation there will of course be rejection. Living with herpes it can be easy to allow rejection to create false beliefs about ourselves which leads to putting up emotional walls, which is why it's important to have a strategy for coping with rejection should it come along.

Tips for handling rejection.

Step One: It’s OK to feel sad.

Rejection is never a comfortable emotion to deal with but remember it's OK to let yourself feel the rejection. Don’t harbor anger towards the person rejecting you as there is a good chance that herpes is this thing that they’ve never really had to give much thought about, and it can seem a bit overwhelming at first to think about. It may be they just need a bit of time to process the information.

Step Two: Reframe

Rejection is a natural part of dating. Your herpes status will not always be the reason why someone has chosen to reject you. Your qualities and vibes that you bring to a relationship may not be a fit with what your partner is looking for, and your herpes disclosure may just have become a convenient time for your partner to end the relationship that they had already decided to end.

Step Three: Positive reflection

You’ve gotten to the disclosure stage because you’ve found someone that you’ve enjoyed spending some time with. Just because it's come to an end doesn’t take away the enjoyable moments you’ve had. The process of dating and getting to know someone is a fun and exciting one. The end of one burgeoning partnership is the opportunity for something new and perhaps even better. Nurture that thought whilst at the same time patting yourself on the back for doing the right thing with your open honesty. Honesty is essential for cultivating a feeling of high self-esteem and self-love which leads to the kind of calm confidence that others look for in a new partner. One final point, remember that you are unique. There is only one of you in the whole world. For someone looking for the unique blend of qualities that you bring, when that person finds you they will most likely look beyond your herpes status to be with you.